Wednesday, April 15, 2009

No more phoning it in

The news story about some late 40’s dude being arrested while naked in a 20-something babe’s apartment going through her underwear is both funny and scary. But as much of a total creep as I have been over the years, and for as much as I have done to see naked babes, I never even thought about doing anything as disgusting as breaking in to a home.

Yet, this story reminded me of an incident that I experienced many years ago along with an outdated method of seeing babes that I didn’t bother to include in my book “Total Creep – A Guy’s Guide”. The incident I am about to refer to is one that would make an interesting “What would I have done?” discussion.

It took place more than 25 years ago when I was living alone in an apartment on a block filled with apartment buildings. One of the units across the street at an angle from me had a college babe with a great body that lived on the same level as mine, giving me a view of the hallway, some of her living room, some of her kitchen, some of her bedroom, and the entrance to her bathroom.

I knew she was a college student because I could see her parking space and would sometimes see her arrive and leave with books, and could see a local university sticker and out of state plates. (I did reference her in the book as the babe that would often study in her bedroom totally naked.) When her bedroom curtains were open enough, I could tell when she was coming into and out of the bathroom shower, even though I could not see into the shower area.

One night, I happened to see her arrive home after dark, park in her space, and carry her books upstairs as usual. But after she came in through the front door and went back toward the kitchen, I could see that her front door swung open. Then I realized that she thought she closed it, and was going about her business as if all was well.

A few minutes later, she started taking off her clothes and then went into her bathroom to take her shower. Yet, I could see that her front door was open and anyone could have walked in while she was alone and taking a shower. Fortunately for her, she lived at the end unit and one needed to be well above street level to tell that her door was open.

My first thought was that if I was a burglar, I would have about 5 minutes to get in and get out with whatever valuables I could find, walk out the back entrance of the building, around the block, and appear to be walking home from the store. But I’m not a burglar, have never been arrested, and didn’t act on it. If I were willing to risk arrest, which I wasn’t and am not, I probably would have been standing with a camera when she came out of the shower and then run, but I wouldn’t risk that either.

Knowing I had a few minutes until she would come out of the shower, I pondered the situation. What if someone else in the building noticed her door was open and lights on? What if they called out and got no answer (because she was in the shower and couldn’t hear)? Somebody certainly could have gone in there and had about 5 minutes to rip off whatever they could. But if someone had, I would have seen it happen.

Suppose I had seen a robbery. I thought about that later. If I had been a witness, I would certainly have helped the girl. However, I would have had to explain why I was a witness. (Again – someone could have run out the back door and in the other direction which could not be seen from street level.) Explaining that I was in my apartment a few hundred feet away with high powered binoculars waiting to see her come out after her shower probably wouldn’t have earned me a hero’s welcome.

The story had a happy ending, at least for her. After all that, a few minutes later when she came out this time she already had her towel wrapped around so I couldn’t see any of her goods. She then walked out toward the kitchen and I could see the expression on her face when she looked and realized the front door was open! She raced over, looked out into the hallway, and then closed it and looked around to see that nothing happened. In a way, she never knew she had “protection” on her apartment while she showered. Then again, she never knew I had the rewards of seeing her great body in all of its glory.

Then there is my “outdated” technique for checking out babes. Thinking about this made me realize that I didn’t include it in the book since technology made this far too risky to be used today. While Caller ID from the phone company has its benefits for all of us, I suppose it is a setback for us total creep guys.

It used to be possible to ring someone’s home phone and not worry about being detected. Many years ago when I was in high school and living in an apartment building with my parents, I was already using my binoculars to see girls in the next building over. A single woman in her early 30’s lived on the level below us across the porch. From my kitchen window I could see into her kitchen and part of the hallway. My folks were friendly with her and I would say hello when coming up the back stairs and she would be in the kitchen, often with the back door open to let the air in. (No central air in those days.)

Even though she was at least 15 years older than me, she was at the “borderline” age but was attractive enough that I wanted to see her naked if possible, but didn’t think it would happen. (Actually, it never did, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.) One summer night I was coming home and walking up the steps. Her kitchen shade was up, the light was on, and the window was open. But the back door was closed. As I got near the window (walking past on the stairs) I then heard the sound of running water. I could see some of the hallway, enough to tell that the bathroom light was on. She was filling the tub to take a bath!

I then hustled upstairs and entered my apartment. I called out, and realized that no one else was home. That’s when my idea came to use. I went over by our phone, opened my mom’s address book, and looked up her phone number. Our phone cord stretched over by our window, from which I could see into her kitchen. I realized that if she was going to answer the phone, she would have to come out of the bath tub to do it. (This was also before most people had answering machines, so every phone call seemed important.) She would be intent on getting that phone call, and would not be looking out her window to see me standing above. And if by some chance she did, how would I know she was coming out of the bath?

Next I dialed her number. I figured I could let it ring 4 or 5 times and hang up. Back then it was a reasonable enough time to wait for someone to answer. Even if I didn’t hang up until after she answered, there was no way she could track the call, and would figure they would call back later, and not think anything of it.

Sure enough, after about 3 rings, out she came. However, by the time she got to the kitchen, she already had her big bath towel wrapped around her, so I didn’t get to see anything other than some cleavage. She answered the phone, figured whoever it was didn’t wait, and kept the towel on as she walked back to the bathroom.

In effect, my idea was a success, even if the results weren’t. I kept this in mind over the next few years after I moved out on my own. I had tried to get the phone number of that college babe who left her door open before that incident, but it wasn’t listed. (I got her name by having walked into that building across the street one night and the mailboxes had the unit numbers on them, and had called directory assistance.) I could have had some big time fun if I had her number, considering the times I knew she was going into the shower.

How does this tie together? I could have called that college babe and in effect alerted her that the front door was open without her knowing it was me. And she probably would have come out naked, too.

But not anymore. Between caller ID and cell phones, a total creep’s options are more limited.

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